Thursday, August 7, 2014

always too much and never enough

So here's the thing about life that can be a real piss off sometimes.
I am flawed, and limited (and not because I have nodes), and I can't control how I feel. 
There are times when I feel too little. like when I know I should feel bad about something but I couldn't care less, or when I seem to feel completely indifferent to the people in my life that need my love, or feel anger when I should feel compassion, and I try to will myself to want to do the things I'm supposed to do. But sometimes it's the opposite. The feels take over and there's nothing I can do about it. 
I can never seem to find the happy medium of loving people the comfortable amount.
I know that I was created for eternity and that I wasn't meant to be constantly held back by too little time and torn between too many people and places, and maybe that's why I'm so aware that I am.

The other day at work one guy said something sad about his life and I was overcome by the reality of how much harder some people's lives are than mine and how little I can do to change that and how much I care about him and how that doesn't change how hard his life is, and then I a little bit started crying. right then and there. at work. And then last night I went out for dinner with my mom and I cried twice. twice guys. in the restaurant. Who does that? Me, apparently. Throughout our conversation we talked about different people and I was overwhelmed with how much I feel for them and how much I want for them. But how my feeling and my wanting isn't enough for them.
I don't understand why my heart has the capacity to feel so much more love than my life has the potential to give. 
It's not that I wish that I felt differently or cared less. I like that I know so many people that I feel affection for. I don't mind being the type of person who will cry in public because of the love I feel at the thought of someone, and I don't mind that I don't even have to know you very well to feel that for you. I just mind that I don't know what to do about it. I mind the helpless feeling of not being enough and knowing that I will only continue to meet and love more people and I will never be enough. that everyday I will see needs that I can't meet and brokenness I can't heal and long for time with people I can't be around, and damnit I just want to see my Grandpa everyday, and I want to stop saying the wrong things at the wrong time, and I want to stop hurting people, and I want my sad friends to feel happy, and my lonely friends to feel loved, and I want my life to not feel so busy and short, and I just wish that wanting these things was enough to make them happen.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

addicted to a certain kind of sadness

I find an odd satisfaction in being sad. I live with a preoccupation towards sad music, and sad movies, and sad books.
I don't mean the gripping and shattering kind of sadness that causes your body to ache in ways you didn't realize were physically possible. There are times when that kind of sadness is necessary, however unwanted it may be. 
But there's also the kind of sadness that doesn't break you, yet it makes you aware of your brokenness. It doesn't consume you either, although you are acutely aware of its presence. 
It's the kind of sadness that stills us. The kind of sadness that makes you long for unaccompanied silence. There is a comfort in its familiarity. A sense of peace in its authenticity. A realization of beauty that comes only when you realize how utterly and pathetically human you really are. 
Those moments may seem boring and lonely and needless and avoidable. And perhaps at times they are. But in these moments is a realness that shouldn't be resisted. I think that these moments allow us to laugh harder, and love deeper and speak more truthfully in other moments.

But I also think that you can get addicted to this kind of sadness; to allow yourself to slip into a state of being from which you make no attempt to recover. It's a fine line I suppose.

It's kind of like a rainy day. You don't ignore it. You recognize the wetness of the pavement, the greyness of the sky, the gloomy aura outside your window, and the mundane redundancy of everyday life. But alas, you carry on as planned, and appreciate the lifening smell that comes only after it has rained. 
You know that when you wake up tomorrow the weather will be different, but that the sky will undoubtedly become overcast again. 
and that's okay.

title cred - lyrics by Gotye

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Oh darling, let's be adventurers.

The other day I was watering flowers when I heard the sound of a plane flying overhead. So naturally I took a break from tending to the plants to gaze up at the airplane. Then I thought about the people sitting in their seats, looking out the window or reading a book. And then I imagined myself being in that plane. And then I got butterflies in my stomach like a giddy school girl on the night before Christmas.
I love this feeling, so native yet seldom. Some call it the travel bug. I have come to know it well.
It's a feeling of speechless yearning. Yearning for the new and different, or for familiar things that are distant.
It's a yearning for another feeling I suppose.
for that feeling I get when I travel.
That feeling I have when I'm walking around an airport, and that feeling I get when I board the plane, and that feeling I get when it's landing. It means the start of a new adventure, or the end of one when some of your favourite people in the world are waiting for you at the other side of those glass doors. It buzzes around in my head and heart reminding me not to wait too long before I embark on another journey. Until that time comes, I'll just enjoy the whimsical moments giddily watching the planes fly by.

title -

Friday, May 24, 2013

prone to wonder.

It's one of those days that I realize how true this is.
and I need to get on my knees and pray, and mean every word of it.

Here's my heart, oh take and seal it. 
Seal it for thy courts above.

Monday, May 13, 2013

the one about letting go.

So with summer on the horizon, camp is coming into full swing.
I'll only be there a little bit this summer, which was a decision I made and have come to terms with.
But I cannot tell you just how lovesick I feel for that place.
I see photos of people at camp, and suddenly eating a gross corn dog while sitting in the dirt in the rosebowl seems like paradise.
It's not that I only remember the good things. I will never miss being that tired 24-7. But I will never forget how worth it it was.
I miss the lake. I miss the people. I miss the memories. I miss the smell. I miss the sound. I miss everything about it.
I miss the person I was. I miss the joy. I miss the peace. I miss how close I was with Him. before I got all sad and insecure and jaded.
I want it back.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

I like the way summer feels.

Was I really JUST posting about winter and spring? 
because it feels like summer. I mean it feels like summer - in my soul.
I hate to think that my mood is weather dependant;
that sunshine and a warm breeze is the source of my joy.
But a happiness that has been hibernating has surfaced and subtly permeated my being.
Sunshine makes sleep seem boring. and perhaps the world more bearable.
I feel an odd contentment sitting on my deck drinking an iced tea.
Somehow life feels more carefree when I'm wearing a dress and flip flops.
and driving to work is better with sunglasses on and the windows rolled down.
I remember this feeling, both familiar and foreign.
I love summer. and I like the way it feels.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

An honoured guest.

So I think most people have a love/hate relationship with winter.
We love it, but all of us get a little tense when a guest overstays its welcome. consistently.

I felt like I had no time to prepare for this winter. 
Now I am not trying to complain woe is me because I was travelling Europe.
but my seasonal timing was unfortunate.
Because one day I was sunbathing in the late afternoon in southern Italy, and a few days later, I got off of the train in northern Sweden.
I caught a cold like the first day.
and it snowed.
This was October.
and then I flew home to PG. and it snowed a couple days later.
no crisp autumn nights to ease me into it.
and the last 6 months have been solid winter.
It's May. There was a blizzard early this week.
Granted, it only lasted a few minutes, but it was a windy snowfall nonetheless.

But, I was outside today, and I was uncomfortably warm wearing pants.
Also, I just killed a mosquito.
And I can hear the birds when I wake up in morning.

I think that means snow is officially gone for a while.

hello spring. nice to meet you again.