Monday, January 28, 2013

I just want today to be a jammy day.

It was late morning on a Saturday, and  I was babysitting. Every time I suggested getting dressed for the day, the little girl would politely insist that she just wanted "today to be a jammy day." as if getting dressed was some terribly exhausting event that should be reserved only for weekdays.
Really, pajamas aren't THAT much more comfortable than your other clothes. There is just something freeing about the fact that you don't have to get dressed. As a kid, it meant watching cartoons all morning long with my big brother.
But I still have those days when I don't feel like wearing real people clothes, or even getting out of bed  for that matter. Sometimes it's because I'm overtired, but mostly it's because I think there is something freeing about the fact that I don't have to. Because snuggling my stuffed duck and playing with my shredded blankie that I'm still indescribably attached to while huddled in my blankets is one of the best feelings in the world. And at that point life is simple and free of responsibility and hard decisions and awkward situations and conversations, and customers, and pain and to do lists and stress...but then the alarm goes off for the 5th time and ruins my carefree life. It takes me about half an hour after I get to up to get over myself, and forgive the world for its grievances against me and remember life is a gift. and it really is. but some days, I just want it to be a jammy day.

so maybe I am a little baby crazy


So I have a few traits that people love/tend to make fun of me for... 

Like my obsession with cuddling, how I always play with my hair, how messy my room is, or my beloved blankie. 

..and my LOVE for BABIES!
or kids in general...



I'm not even going to try to deny it.
I am fully aware of the fact that I want to take home basically every child I see. Even if were not related and I don't even know them. They're so loveable just by being. It's just one of those love at first sight kind of things. I just happen to have a lot of love-at-first-sights.
I've always been like this. I grew up with lots of little cousins, and a bunch of other kids I babysat all the time. Have you ever danced around like a monkey because a little boy invented a game called zoo? How about ran around like a deer, cause pretend hunting is such a fun game? Have you ever had entire conversations using only the words bubble and squak?(because apparently that's how penguins and fish talk.) no? well I sure have! I have spent hours in the land of make-believe, playing lions, and barbies, and dolls, and wrestling, and mini-hockey, and taking kids to the park, and pretending spoons are airplanes as it soars towards a toddler's mouth, and making ridiculous faces and noises just to make a baby smile, and singing little ones to sleep. and I freaking love it (minus hunting - I can't say I LOVED that game, but penguins is where it's at yo)
 maybe its because it's abnormally easy for me to act like a child. [side note: my name actually means youthful ;) ]
but I also just love it because how can you NOT??!! legit. They're so precious. They're just these helpless, vulnerable, delicate and beautiful little creations who just need people to love 'em and take care of them.
...and then they start to interact and develop their own little personalities...even when they're bratty, their innocence still shines because their brokenness hasn't yet been masked by the hardness everyone tends to develop as they get older.
And they may be exhausting to entertain, but they still don't feel void without their technological devices because  their imagination will work with whatever is there for them to play with.


My friends tell me all the time that I'll be such a great mom and the cutest pregnant lady ever. and I'm all like, just you wait; I sure will!!!
but I'm also not someone who feels like they were born destined to be a mom. Getting married and pumping out babies is not the point where I will feel like I have reached my life purpose. If it never happens, I'll be just fine! Me and God already talked this one through. I still got lotsa kids in my life to love.


But if I DO become a mom, I know just the kind of mother I want to be!

My kids are going to hear all the time that they are amazing and beautiful and strong and smart, even if they think its annoying because I want them to walk out the door every morning believing they are who God made them.

I'll be the kind of mom who will go to the grocery store with tacky uneven eye shadow and a messy pony tail on the top of my head because my daughter gave me a makeover.

I want to be the kind of mom who makes sure my kids' shoes are the right feet, and pants are on the right way round, but lets my child wear clothes that don't match and don't fit the occasion because they don't need to be brought into our pathetic world of caring what others think. and frankly, life is much too short to wear boring clothes when you want to wear fancy ones, or to feel under dressed when that's exactly what you want to be.

I want to be the kind of mom who never gets too busy to look at
my child in the eyes when they're talking to me.

I want to be the kind of mom who thinks her kids are the best things that ever happened to her, but doesn't feel the need to brag about their accomplishments.

I want to be the kind of mom who doesn't let her kids get away with anything, but never makes them feel like my love is conditional.

I want to be the kind of mom who plays with her kids instead of just occupying them.


I want to be the kind of mom who deals with a fit, instead of giving in so they can learn the right lessons.

I want to be the kind of mom who will do anything to protect my kidlets, but doesn't over worry.

I want to be a mom who isn't afraid to admit her mistakes, and isn't too prideful to apologize to her child.


I know that Super-Mom doesn't actually exist, and tantrum throwing toddlers, puking babies, sleepless nights, fighting siblings, grumpy teenagers and the ridiculous reasoning of children can make an "I don't want to brush my teeth" into the final straw that unleashes Monster-Mom....BUT, on the odd occasion that I think about having children, this is the kind of mom I picture being.

and damnit, my kids are not getting ipods and cellphones and computers and all those other ridiculous things we feel like we need until they are like 18!

Saturday, January 12, 2013

I love the way you make me feel.

It's crazy the power that we have over each other. I'm sure we have all had those moments where we wish we could take back what we just said as we suck in our next breath. Yet, instead we must watch our words enter into someone's soul and taunt them. Or those wonderful moments where you speak something simple that just happens to mean the world to someone, and we watch our words enter into someone's soul and bring life, which is what the mouths of the righteous are meant to do.

It's not bad to value what other people say and do. But, you have to be careful. Not everyone deserves that power, or that place in your heart. They might not even want it, or know they have it, but how quickly can people's words or lack thereof become what makes or breaks us. This is the kind of thing that causes an offhand comment to trigger a teenage girl to skip her next meal. This is the kind of thing that causes the insecurity that makes people dread going to work. This is the kind of thing that prevents so many of us from being real.


Sometimes I think about how much power I've given certain people. The ones that have become so close, that their words and actions mean more than anyone else's. Like a spouse, or a close friend.  But its okay, because I know they will never misuse it. They are the arms you choose to crumble in because you know that you're safe there - knowing that despite what is going on, in that moment life is perfect because you can love without fear. and that's the way it was meant to be.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Let's get sentimental...

so it's 2013. 

time to get all sentimental about 2012 and be excited for a new year...and all those other cheesy things. like resolutions.
I made a new years resolution to stop interrupting people. It's this horrible habit I realized I do basically every conversation. I'm working on it...
I don't usually make a big deal about it being a new year because I don't really think anything magical happens overnight between December 31st, and January 1st that makes life any different.

but I'm in the mood for reflecting...

I was at church and during the new years themed "welcome and announcements" the pastor encouraged us to look back and reflect on our last year with God. I turned to my friend and sarcastically told her that it was effffing awesome. but all joking aside...it's probably a good idea. It's important to look at your life and give yourself the time to realize how freaking amazing our God is. It's interesting to think about all the things that made you who you are at this very moment. all the people and happenings that have played a part in molding you into who you've become. Most of the time I don't even realize these things are changing me until I intentionally think about why I view things the way I do, say the things I say, do the things I do, or why I feel the way I feel.

As I look back on the past year, and reflect on who I am right now, I feel like if you met me in 2011 you would have met someone completely different. I could be exaggerating, but that's how I feel.
I love looking back on my life and seeing how God has made me more and more like Him. It's beautiful. But, right now, I can't help but wonder if I've become less like Him.

The moment came when I realized that all the confidence I had in who God made me to be had evaporated. and now I'm so deeply afraid of ever being so burnt out and hurt again that I will do anything to avoid it. and I kinda turned into a bitch. and I'm afraid of who I'm becoming.

I think about Jesus, and how vulnerable our Creator chose to be with us even while we hurt Him. There is this worldly perspective to put effort into relationships that make us happy, and forget about others; to fill our time with what makes you happy, and cut out the rest. If I'm honest, I like the sound of that, and it is so tempting to live like that. And I know God wants us to be happy. But if I focus on making myself happy and simply that, I forget that my life isn't about creating my own story, but rather becoming a part of God's narrative that He has divinely woven my story into.

There are so many things of 2012 that I wish weren't apart of my story; things that make me wish I could rewind time so I could runaway from them. Yet, God wove blessings and joy into the tangled mess that just happened to be my life. Even in the midst of times where I've never been more aware of my insecurities and inadequacies and felt like I had nothing to give, God created moments for me to speak His words, and I looked at groups of people, and into tear filled eyes and watched God's promises change the way they see. And in those moments God spoke those same words to me and reminded of how faithful He is.

Nothing has caused me to question my belief in God or his goodness or sovereignty or anything.
but some things aren't so black and white anymore.  I know we are called to live in unity, to daily pick up our cross in selfless community with one another; to love with the kind of love that allowed Jesus and his apostles to use their final breaths to bless the people killing them. It's just not as simple as it once seemed.
I want to learn what it looks like for me to live with that kind of sacrifice,  yet be able to rest in and claim the freedom that there is nothing I could do to make God love me less.

I'm excited that it's 2013. somehow that little number change does make it a little easier to see the past as the past, and to see that God makes beautiful things out of the dust.