Thursday, August 7, 2014

always too much and never enough

So here's the thing about life that can be a real piss off sometimes.
I am flawed, and limited (and not because I have nodes), and I can't control how I feel. 
There are times when I feel too little. like when I know I should feel bad about something but I couldn't care less, or when I seem to feel completely indifferent to the people in my life that need my love, or feel anger when I should feel compassion, and I try to will myself to want to do the things I'm supposed to do. But sometimes it's the opposite. The feels take over and there's nothing I can do about it. 
I can never seem to find the happy medium of loving people the comfortable amount.
I know that I was created for eternity and that I wasn't meant to be constantly held back by too little time and torn between too many people and places, and maybe that's why I'm so aware that I am.

The other day at work one guy said something sad about his life and I was overcome by the reality of how much harder some people's lives are than mine and how little I can do to change that and how much I care about him and how that doesn't change how hard his life is, and then I a little bit started crying. right then and there. at work. And then last night I went out for dinner with my mom and I cried twice. twice guys. in the restaurant. Who does that? Me, apparently. Throughout our conversation we talked about different people and I was overwhelmed with how much I feel for them and how much I want for them. But how my feeling and my wanting isn't enough for them.
I don't understand why my heart has the capacity to feel so much more love than my life has the potential to give. 
It's not that I wish that I felt differently or cared less. I like that I know so many people that I feel affection for. I don't mind being the type of person who will cry in public because of the love I feel at the thought of someone, and I don't mind that I don't even have to know you very well to feel that for you. I just mind that I don't know what to do about it. I mind the helpless feeling of not being enough and knowing that I will only continue to meet and love more people and I will never be enough. that everyday I will see needs that I can't meet and brokenness I can't heal and long for time with people I can't be around, and damnit I just want to see my Grandpa everyday, and I want to stop saying the wrong things at the wrong time, and I want to stop hurting people, and I want my sad friends to feel happy, and my lonely friends to feel loved, and I want my life to not feel so busy and short, and I just wish that wanting these things was enough to make them happen.

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